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Silences, and Stinging Words
In a 12-Step meeting, sometimes you don’t get a turn to speak, to talk about your pain or confusion. By February 1990, when I first said “Hi, I’m Beth, I’m an alcoholic” in a meeting, I’d already realized: It’s not all about me. And when it’s someone else’s turn to unload, vent, seek help, I can wait … or I can (and this startled me!) sit in appreciative silence, being a real listener.
There were two things I did really well in terms of those early meetings, and I took some pride in them: I showed up, in spite of being a single parent to growing boys who needed my attention (thank goodness, there were meetings at different times of each day — miss the noon meeting and head to an evening one, trying to rack up the 90 meetings in 90 days that people said could really help). And I often made the coffee, which included making sure things like sugar and cups were on hand, and sometimes a packet of cookies.
The 12-Step invention that protects new sobriety best is the sponsor system: You listen for someone of your own gender who “has what you want” in terms of living a strong and healthy life, and you ask them to be your sponsor. If they say yes, you get their attention when you’re in crisis, and often for check-in times as well; vitally, you make a guarantee to each other — if you ever find you’re manipulating your day to aim for a drink (or other substance, but for me it…
